Thursday, 24 July 2014

Thank the Universe for Kitten Pinterest

I cry.
A lot.

I try not to.
It is a good release, but when you just do it everyday, it has lost that attribute and just become a lifestyle.

When I am driving and a sad thought hits and I cry, it's hard work to get my mind back into positive thoughts and a smile on my face.  But I do it.  There is fun out there to be had.  I'm gunna get that stuff!

Sometimes, before I enter a building, I stop, take a deep breath and put my smile on.  Smiles DO make you feel better.  (so does hula hooping ALL the hoops at once)

I want to enjoy the good bits.

I want to stop being so freaking sad.

Somehow, the best I've managed is being sad and happy in the same day.

Freak.

But what really annoys me is...
I've got no reason to be sad.

Yes I miss my incredibly clingy and demanding cat who fulfilled a deep seated need to be adored.
Jodie is still dead.  I still cry when I think about her.

My daughter is awesome.  A bit of a wuss when it comes to doing anything other than drawing, but awesome.

My Hubby is gorgeous, tolerant, sweet and all mine.

Nancy Cat is so amazing and adorable and has a purr that just is right.

I have Circus, which is shiny in so many ways, the wonderful people, the fun, the excuse to play with glitter and sequins.

So why am I such a watering pot?

But then I go to pinterest and type in "kitten".
And get this.


And I smile.




Sunday, 25 May 2014

mild confusion over mild crudeness.

I can be crude.
I can make the most appalling jokes, in the company of good friends.  You know, the one's that I hope will continue to forgive me.

And yet, today, I cringed.

At Officeworks, getting printing done, the lady behind the printing counter apologised to the customers, saying "There should be two of me today, but there's only one, I apologise for the delays", which was very understandable.

The man behind me said, "I would like there to be two of you as well" and grinned at me, a'la Tony Abbot.  I should have understood then, but I laughed and said "yeah, it'd great to have a me at home, doing all the work".  He looked uncomfortable and said that wasn't what he meant... and then I twigged and went all quiet and extremely uncomfortable.

She was in her workplace.  I was in a public place.  None of us knew each other.

So I pondered all day why this only moderately naughty comment made me uncomfortable and spent the rest of my visit looking down at my shoes trying to avoid this man.

I talked to friends about it, I thought, I let it sit.  And I think it was that she wasn't in a position to be anything other than polite to his mild crudity and that gives a feeling of being trapped.


Saturday, 24 May 2014

Two steps forward... two steps back

I miss SiDana Cat so much sometimes I am completely immobilised.
How are people supposed to go on living with grief?

And where is my Charlie cat to cuddle while I am feeling so sad?

Elsie Fluffington gives good sad moments cuddles.   And affectionate bites.

Friday, 16 May 2014

The thrill of travel.

Tonight, Hubby came home with a big smile on his face!
The excitement oozed out of every atom of him... He is being sent to Tasmania, to work on something exciting!  And, he gets to go on the ferry, so he can take his car!  Freedom! Adventure!  Lots of exclamation marks!

He loves it.  He loves the travelling, the being somewhere else, exploring a new place and seeing all the differences there.  He adores Tasmania, which is odd with his distaste for the colder weather.  History.  It's seeped in history.

The loneliness gets to him when he is away for so long, however.

It falls during the holidays, so I suggested Princess and I could go along...
Then he mentioned that he was leaving on the day of our first RUCCIS production.
That it was for 8 days.

Next, the idea of going after Production and my choosing not to perform in the Student Cabaret.  This disappointed me, but Family is more important than Circus and I was staying for Production already...

So I looked at the flight costs.
Quite affordable.  If you want to get up at 3 am.
I thought about being away from the cats for the first time.
We discussed maybe only go for two days.

Which felt a lot better.  I don't like travel.
I hate it.  I hate the physical act of travelling, the paranoia about not getting to the plane on time, of finding bookings have been lost or made wrong, of having to search out a new area and learn all the dangers.
I adore Tasmania, however.  The clean air, lovely, unspoilt beaches, hot springs pools, caves and the Gorge at Launceston.

So I kept going with the flight booking.
Hubbylicious commented that he would be on call, so we couldn't go to many of those places, anyway.  I know what this means.  It means spending lots of time exploring near the motel.  Going out for coffees, not meals in case he gets a call.  Being left in interesting places while he checks on a call.

At each step, my already weak motivation for going was being drained.  I looked up at him and commented that the only reason I would go was to be with him.  He said that I can do that anytime.

I closed down the flight booking page and hid my sigh of relief.  I even waited until he left the room before going to cuddle my kitties that I didn't have to leave behind, even for two days.

I always wanted to feel settled, to put down roots in this "new" town I live in.  It took nearly 20 years, but I think it's happened. :-)

Saturday, 26 April 2014

I dreamed of a house last night

It was beautiful.  Possibly only to Hubby and myself.   We immediately bought it in the dream.   We were all happy to be moving into this house.  Princess made a friend while we were standing outside the house.

It wasn't better than our house now, the main difference I noticed was the sense of being nestled in nature, combined with being very private, but not isolated.  It was at the end of a short dirt road that had the feeling of only being used by locals.

Back in 1994, when we first saw Our House, it was the inviting warmth that drew us in and we fell in love.  I still get that same feeling every time I come home.
With this Dream House... it offered serenity.  It was enclosed by the other houses next to it with great weeping trees, like willows and wisteria, oak overhanging, but not encroaching.  The front yard had a plain driveway, a plain grass lawn, the house was dug into the yard and the backyard sloped down to a forest.  There was a sense of immensity to the backyard.  

This plain grass lawn was supporting other life.  Cats.  Probably about twenty cats.  Also, just before we went to look at this house, we picked up an adorable calico kitten in a pink carrier, which we decided to adopt at the same moment we decided to buy the house.
 

Dream houses represent yourself.
I read this when I dreamed of a dark, lichen growing unpainted wooden house, that I was warned not to go into.  It was set in the nightime, in a swampy, icky area that only had a tiny, overgrown trail to get to.  No one wanted to take me there, but I insisted.
The floor boards were breaking underfoot, the walls falling and while I was walking through the house, the stumps gave way and I fell in great fear, the house collapsing on me.  It was terrifying.
At this point, I was in a deep depression from pregnancy loss, suffering immense pain with my back and allergies and really in a very bad state emotionally and physically.

One key thing I noticed about the new and lovely house, was the shape of the block of land was trapezoid, with the front being narrower.   It made me think about how drained I have been lately, saying yes to all these exciting adventures and not giving myself enough recovery quiet time.  I think this dream was partly inspired after reading this last night.

http://www.mamamia.com.au/social/how-to-treat-your-introvert/

It makes so much sense.  I am moving into a new me. :-)

" The house can depict a way we allow the world into our life, or exclude it"

Now that I am in the happy house, even in my dreams, now I need to learn balance.  Saying Yes! is fun, but being emotionally and intellectually exhausted is not.
I even think my dream is showing my understanding of that.  After meeting the agent to buy the house, it was pointed out that another house had just then come up for sale.  It was a magnificent house, full of 1910 style character, on a block on the main street, the sort of house you drool over.  I was tempted, but then thought it would be so much upkeep and end up being a strain and I didn't love it in that personal way I loved the little orange brick house all nestled into the ground.  I said, "No, thank you".  Hurrah!


Sunday, 6 April 2014

Action plan.

Sooo tired of crying.

Sooo weary of always trying to drag myself up from depression.

Sooo annoyed with myself, because I have a pretty wonderful life, I should be happy!

Don't you hate the word "Should"?  Instant guilt maker.


Things that are bringing me down.  

-I miss my cats (I know, you've heard this one before, but wow, I really am not getting over them.  combination of them being amazingly wonderful cats and me being me)
-Pain.  This source of sadness is a given.
-Doing too much!  I have to learn to say no.  Not good at it.  And not care that I have said no!
-Caffeine.  The caffeine levels have risen significantly over the last few months, which always increases my anxiety levels.  Must stop being a dill with caffeine.

So, there are lots of places for action there!


Cuddle my new cats.
It does help, but they are not a very cuddly bunch.


Work on the pain!
Keep up physio, exercises, spa baths (mmmmh) add in more gym, stretching.  My Physio has recommended a psychologist who deals with sleep tension issues, so that can go on the list.

... but after we get the life threatening medical stuff dealt with.
Hubby's atrial fibrulations, my ongoing saga of "Is it cancer?  Not today, but what about this lump?" that my lovely doctor's are in the process of sorting out.  So far, all benign and the latest lumps have scanned as cysts, so yey!  and Mammogram... well, I didn't scream but I may have made some really interesting contorted faces trying not to scream.


They are smiling because they are sadists, but sadists who know that they are being good, kind, wonderful diagnosticians... 


Mammograms.  I had SO MUCH FEAR going into it.  A large metal plate, with a big perspex paddle coming down to flatten something soft and round that hurts when you poke it anyway... The radiologist was so nice, so calming, but she still kept forcing that perspex vice "Just a little lower".  Flat.  The round becomes flat.   It resents that and expresses itself through hundreds of nerve endings.

At least they don't take very long.  My Dentist Mantra "Soon this will all be a memory that I can block" helped me get through this.

Did you know you can't run away from something really painful when it has part of you in a vice?!


Say no.  No.  NO!
I suck at this.  Partly because I KNOW I can do things, but I forget how slowly I have to do all the things.  And how much doing things hurts.  And that people keep asking!  This is where hiding out at home is good.


Give up coke, take up tea.  Then convert to yummy herbals.

Now to go and prepare for one of those things I didn't want to say no to, performing at the "Acts of Love" fundraiser - great chance for me to help a little and get more comfortable with performing in public!


Wednesday, 2 April 2014

That time of year

Parent Teacher interviews yesterday.
They were awesome.
Not so much because they were telling me how amazing my child is, but because a whole bunch if issues got sorted and highlighted.

It brought up that one of her biggest issues is now anxiety, it's effect on her schoolwork and sleep.

I feel really delighted about this - sounds horrible but it means we have worked through most everything else!!

So, my head is spinning with ideas to help reduce her anxiety.

The biggest one is that she needs a cuddly cat, one to sleep with, one to be able to give love to, one that will provide comfort.  However, she has a Sara Cat, independant, briefly affectionate and prefers to be outside as much as possible.

Lady Fluffington is a darling cuddle, but she's my cat and is proving it by discreetly managing to be wherever I am.  Pandora is a delight and occasionally cuddles, but her skill is in being adorable, playful and conversational.

So... Teeny Feral Nancy is our last hope.
Torties Galore.  Love My Nancy's Ginger cheeks and white mittens.
She has the best purr when I am allowed to pat her.  She has stopped slinking from the room when my Princess or Trickey enters.  We'll see.

Without a cuddly cat, I need MORE ideas for reducing anxiety.

New Journey!

My SiDana has been gone for a year, today.  I finally planted her rose two days ago, next to out Charlie's blooming rose.  Soon, I will have to start accepting that my little ray of tabbyshine really has gone.  But... not quite there yet.



Saturday, 22 March 2014

...sneaks in and sits down as if she hasn't been gone for ages...

It was mentioned the other day that I don't post anymore.

Originally, I was having to much fun and doing too many exciting things to have the time it takes me to write, edit, dwell over whether or not I want to post this and then eventually update.  That's awesome!  Yey!

Then I was feeling dodgy, found out I had uterine growths, got super fast surgery from my amazing gyno, Hubby developed heart troubles and there was no time, energy or motivation to blog.  Meh.

Now I'm on hormones, facing that terror "mammogram of vice induced pain" in a week or so, Hubby is stable but they are not sure how to fix it, just maintain it while they figure out what is wrong.

My not so lil girlthing is happy.  I have to look at her twice, sometimes, just to accept that she is actually happy, not brooding or stressed or anxious.  Her new school is great, her new and old friends are great, her adorable kitten is now an anti-social Hiss Monster when inside and a happy, bouncy kitty that flomps on the ground asking for pats when outside.

My head's all fuzzy.  I cry at everything.  I try to blame this on the hormones.

Today, is SiDana Cat's (Yes, I still miss them both incredibly) 17th anniversary of the day she came home.  That tiny, spikey, adorable, clingy little bit of sunshine.

I still haven't planted her rose.  Today would be the right day to do it.

Tomorrow... is Charlie Cat's 17th anniversary of the day he came home.  Full of flu and had to be kept locked away from the Tiny Tabby girl for a week and all he wanted to do was play with this interesting bouncy thing he could hear.  Paws were under doors, meows and calls all day, SiDana was so busy getting to know Tayo, Isaac and Bilbo that she was distracted.

3 days ago was the anniversary of the day Jodie was hit by an unlicensed driver.  So many tears.  

Having said all of this...
Life's still pretty good.  I'm not depressed, though I have to strictly follow my Therapists orders, cos I could easily sink back lately.

Completely unedited post.  I promise to edit and improve the next one. ;-)


Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Role Model Cat

My new cats are awesome and I love them.

I've been waiting for the adoration to build to early "Dana Cat" levels...

and it hasn't.

Pondering this occurance over the last few weeks has lead to much introspection.

One reason I adored SiDana so intensely was her unashamedness at being who and what she was.

Trickey sent me this picture, from The Onion News once.


There was no doubts about it, SiDana was a efficient killer.  Who liked to eat half her prey (I love presents!).

SiDana was possessive and jealous and if she ever thought about this, probably considered these to be some of her most endearing traits.

My Tabby of stunning gorgeousness loved a good fight.  And when she'd had enough, she also liked to get away from the fight, leaving the other cat fuming with futile angst.  Up high.  Her agility was astounding and I admit to feeling smugly proud of the way she could leap to my shoulder with ease.

During one of her battles, her ear became injured, and even with good care it healed like this.
Trickey mourned the loss of my girl cat's perfect ear but I... I felt it was right.  She was outrageously pretty, and that little scar told the world that she was more than just silky fur and beautifully large almond eyes.  She was a Warrior!  A Huntress!  A Defender!  Amazon Cat!  Who will sleep when and where she wants to without trying to keep up any kind of image!



Everything of mine, was hers.  Everything I did, I was to do with her.  Especially sewing.  She loved sewing.  Fabric to play in, that shiny needle to catch, sunshine on the sewing table when she was sleepy.  And Me.  I was there.  She wanted me.


It was a huge thing (Slightly oppressive!) to be so intently needed.  Constantly showered with expressions of her absolute adoration.  Unashamed about needing me.  Not trying to show the world she could be independant and cope alone she allowed herself to admit her dependence upon another.

For 16 years, I had someone who always wanted to be near me and thought I was the world's most amazing creation.  I became unashamed of loving this attention, sharing her love, needing her too.

  Like Peter Gabriel sings,
"And in this moment, I need to be needed
With this darkness all around me, I like to be liked
In this emptiness and fear, I want to be wanted
'Cause I love to be loved
I love to be loved"

I would get told, in no uncertain terms, of her displeasure, were I to stay away from home for too long.  After every holiday away from my cats, there were vet visits, which always turned out to be that she had become depressed or stressed with me away.  Fur licked off in huge patches, unwillingness to eat, lethargy.
All cured with a week of attention.  Missing those we love does cause sadness.  And this is Tabby-cceptable.

This is the look I got from my 15yr old girl cat when I deposed her from my shoulder one day for digging her claw into the scar on my back too many times in a row.
Complete lack of comprehension as to why she was no longer where she wanted to be, plus a hefty dose of teenage petulance at being denied what she wanted!  She gave herself the Freedom to express her feelings via that look!


So much pretty in one tiny, intelligent, self centred, evil, dominating, adoring, shoulder cat.
Her balance was amazing.  I could do most housework with her staying on my shouler, talking to me about what we were doing in that so gorgeous voice of hers.  Especially after having so many part siamese/burmese cats, her chirrup and trill were aural magic.  Her purr had a better sound than any I have heard and she used to sprinkle a trill into it, to change the colour of the sound from that golden tan to a shimmering warm pink.  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chromesthesia in case that made no sense.  I see sounds.  It's fun)
(This bit was probably not role model oriented, but I do feel a sense of delight when I balance on the tightrope, Dana cat like!)


And then... SiDana cat was silly.  With all her grace, her evil, her intensity, give that girl a "my Little Pony" and she would go nuts. Roll on the floor with it, smooch all over it, play with the mane.  Drool a little.  Have fun without  worrying how exceedingly ridiculous she looked.

(The pony would need a bath after I had found where she stashed it.)

No Shame.  Just being Dana.  Being her.  Loving me.  Being a girl who wasn't always trying to be right for our culture but being right for Dana.
Asking for what she wanted.
Being Tabby.

My girl cat. 
Her girl human.

An interesting Role model choice, but the right one for me. *grins*