Sunday, 6 April 2014

Action plan.

Sooo tired of crying.

Sooo weary of always trying to drag myself up from depression.

Sooo annoyed with myself, because I have a pretty wonderful life, I should be happy!

Don't you hate the word "Should"?  Instant guilt maker.

Things that are bringing me down.  

-I miss my cats (I know, you've heard this one before, but wow, I really am not getting over them.  combination of them being amazingly wonderful cats and me being me)
-Pain.  This source of sadness is a given.
-Doing too much!  I have to learn to say no.  Not good at it.  And not care that I have said no!
-Caffeine.  The caffeine levels have risen significantly over the last few months, which always increases my anxiety levels.  Must stop being a dill with caffeine.

So, there are lots of places for action there!

Cuddle my new cats.
It does help, but they are not a very cuddly bunch.

Work on the pain!
Keep up physio, exercises, spa baths (mmmmh) add in more gym, stretching.  My Physio has recommended a psychologist who deals with sleep tension issues, so that can go on the list.

... but after we get the life threatening medical stuff dealt with.
Hubby's atrial fibrulations, my ongoing saga of "Is it cancer?  Not today, but what about this lump?" that my lovely doctor's are in the process of sorting out.  So far, all benign and the latest lumps have scanned as cysts, so yey!  and Mammogram... well, I didn't scream but I may have made some really interesting contorted faces trying not to scream.

They are smiling because they are sadists, but sadists who know that they are being good, kind, wonderful diagnosticians... 

Mammograms.  I had SO MUCH FEAR going into it.  A large metal plate, with a big perspex paddle coming down to flatten something soft and round that hurts when you poke it anyway... The radiologist was so nice, so calming, but she still kept forcing that perspex vice "Just a little lower".  Flat.  The round becomes flat.   It resents that and expresses itself through hundreds of nerve endings.

At least they don't take very long.  My Dentist Mantra "Soon this will all be a memory that I can block" helped me get through this.

Did you know you can't run away from something really painful when it has part of you in a vice?!

Say no.  No.  NO!
I suck at this.  Partly because I KNOW I can do things, but I forget how slowly I have to do all the things.  And how much doing things hurts.  And that people keep asking!  This is where hiding out at home is good.

Give up coke, take up tea.  Then convert to yummy herbals.

Now to go and prepare for one of those things I didn't want to say no to, performing at the "Acts of Love" fundraiser - great chance for me to help a little and get more comfortable with performing in public!

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

That time of year

Parent Teacher interviews yesterday.
They were awesome.
Not so much because they were telling me how amazing my child is, but because a whole bunch if issues got sorted and highlighted.

It brought up that one of her biggest issues is now anxiety, it's effect on her schoolwork and sleep.

I feel really delighted about this - sounds horrible but it means we have worked through most everything else!!

So, my head is spinning with ideas to help reduce her anxiety.

The biggest one is that she needs a cuddly cat, one to sleep with, one to be able to give love to, one that will provide comfort.  However, she has a Sara Cat, independant, briefly affectionate and prefers to be outside as much as possible.

Lady Fluffington is a darling cuddle, but she's my cat and is proving it by discreetly managing to be wherever I am.  Pandora is a delight and occasionally cuddles, but her skill is in being adorable, playful and conversational.

So... Teeny Feral Nancy is our last hope.
Torties Galore.  Love My Nancy's Ginger cheeks and white mittens.
She has the best purr when I am allowed to pat her.  She has stopped slinking from the room when my Princess or Trickey enters.  We'll see.

Without a cuddly cat, I need MORE ideas for reducing anxiety.

New Journey!

My SiDana has been gone for a year, today.  I finally planted her rose two days ago, next to out Charlie's blooming rose.  Soon, I will have to start accepting that my little ray of tabbyshine really has gone.  But... not quite there yet.

Saturday, 22 March 2014

...sneaks in and sits down as if she hasn't been gone for ages...

It was mentioned the other day that I don't post anymore.

Originally, I was having to much fun and doing too many exciting things to have the time it takes me to write, edit, dwell over whether or not I want to post this and then eventually update.  That's awesome!  Yey!

Then I was feeling dodgy, found out I had uterine growths, got super fast surgery from my amazing gyno, Hubby developed heart troubles and there was no time, energy or motivation to blog.  Meh.

Now I'm on hormones, facing that terror "mammogram of vice induced pain" in a week or so, Hubby is stable but they are not sure how to fix it, just maintain it while they figure out what is wrong.

My not so lil girlthing is happy.  I have to look at her twice, sometimes, just to accept that she is actually happy, not brooding or stressed or anxious.  Her new school is great, her new and old friends are great, her adorable kitten is now an anti-social Hiss Monster when inside and a happy, bouncy kitty that flomps on the ground asking for pats when outside.

My head's all fuzzy.  I cry at everything.  I try to blame this on the hormones.

Today, is SiDana Cat's (Yes, I still miss them both incredibly) 17th anniversary of the day she came home.  That tiny, spikey, adorable, clingy little bit of sunshine.

I still haven't planted her rose.  Today would be the right day to do it.

Tomorrow... is Charlie Cat's 17th anniversary of the day he came home.  Full of flu and had to be kept locked away from the Tiny Tabby girl for a week and all he wanted to do was play with this interesting bouncy thing he could hear.  Paws were under doors, meows and calls all day, SiDana was so busy getting to know Tayo, Isaac and Bilbo that she was distracted.

3 days ago was the anniversary of the day Jodie was hit by an unlicensed driver.  So many tears.  

Having said all of this...
Life's still pretty good.  I'm not depressed, though I have to strictly follow my Therapists orders, cos I could easily sink back lately.

Completely unedited post.  I promise to edit and improve the next one. ;-)

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Role Model Cat

My new cats are awesome and I love them.

I've been waiting for the adoration to build to early "Dana Cat" levels...

and it hasn't.

Pondering this occurance over the last few weeks has lead to much introspection.

One reason I adored SiDana so intensely was her unashamedness at being who and what she was.

Trickey sent me this picture, from The Onion News once.

There was no doubts about it, SiDana was a efficient killer.  Who liked to eat half her prey (I love presents!).

SiDana was possessive and jealous and if she ever thought about this, probably considered these to be some of her most endearing traits.

My Tabby of stunning gorgeousness loved a good fight.  And when she'd had enough, she also liked to get away from the fight, leaving the other cat fuming with futile angst.  Up high.  Her agility was astounding and I admit to feeling smugly proud of the way she could leap to my shoulder with ease.

During one of her battles, her ear became injured, and even with good care it healed like this.
Trickey mourned the loss of my girl cat's perfect ear but I... I felt it was right.  She was outrageously pretty, and that little scar told the world that she was more than just silky fur and beautifully large almond eyes.  She was a Warrior!  A Huntress!  A Defender!  Amazon Cat!  Who will sleep when and where she wants to without trying to keep up any kind of image!

Everything of mine, was hers.  Everything I did, I was to do with her.  Especially sewing.  She loved sewing.  Fabric to play in, that shiny needle to catch, sunshine on the sewing table when she was sleepy.  And Me.  I was there.  She wanted me.

It was a huge thing (Slightly oppressive!) to be so intently needed.  Constantly showered with expressions of her absolute adoration.  Unashamed about needing me.  Not trying to show the world she could be independant and cope alone she allowed herself to admit her dependence upon another.

For 16 years, I had someone who always wanted to be near me and thought I was the world's most amazing creation.  I became unashamed of loving this attention, sharing her love, needing her too.

  Like Peter Gabriel sings,
"And in this moment, I need to be needed
With this darkness all around me, I like to be liked
In this emptiness and fear, I want to be wanted
'Cause I love to be loved
I love to be loved"

I would get told, in no uncertain terms, of her displeasure, were I to stay away from home for too long.  After every holiday away from my cats, there were vet visits, which always turned out to be that she had become depressed or stressed with me away.  Fur licked off in huge patches, unwillingness to eat, lethargy.
All cured with a week of attention.  Missing those we love does cause sadness.  And this is Tabby-cceptable.

This is the look I got from my 15yr old girl cat when I deposed her from my shoulder one day for digging her claw into the scar on my back too many times in a row.
Complete lack of comprehension as to why she was no longer where she wanted to be, plus a hefty dose of teenage petulance at being denied what she wanted!  She gave herself the Freedom to express her feelings via that look!

So much pretty in one tiny, intelligent, self centred, evil, dominating, adoring, shoulder cat.
Her balance was amazing.  I could do most housework with her staying on my shouler, talking to me about what we were doing in that so gorgeous voice of hers.  Especially after having so many part siamese/burmese cats, her chirrup and trill were aural magic.  Her purr had a better sound than any I have heard and she used to sprinkle a trill into it, to change the colour of the sound from that golden tan to a shimmering warm pink.  ( in case that made no sense.  I see sounds.  It's fun)
(This bit was probably not role model oriented, but I do feel a sense of delight when I balance on the tightrope, Dana cat like!)

And then... SiDana cat was silly.  With all her grace, her evil, her intensity, give that girl a "my Little Pony" and she would go nuts. Roll on the floor with it, smooch all over it, play with the mane.  Drool a little.  Have fun without  worrying how exceedingly ridiculous she looked.

(The pony would need a bath after I had found where she stashed it.)

No Shame.  Just being Dana.  Being her.  Loving me.  Being a girl who wasn't always trying to be right for our culture but being right for Dana.
Asking for what she wanted.
Being Tabby.

My girl cat. 
Her girl human.

An interesting Role model choice, but the right one for me. *grins*

Monday, 8 July 2013


Here is some video cos my brain has pretty much said it needs an adrenaline break and cos Luth is amazing with her video camera and probably a little because I was performing with Luth's talented Mama, Judy.
I'm the one who does all the swinging back and forth stuff.  And the forgetting to swing the trapese when Jane and Judy do their duo bit, so it's not very visible.  *slaps self in face and then forgives self, cos can't fix that now.  C'est la vie*


Saturday, 6 July 2013

It's tonight!

Dress rehearsal.
So nervous/excited/worried/squeeeee!

Love the energy in a performance.  I can understand why people make this a lifestyle.

Thursday, 4 July 2013

Words hard

Two days before Cabaret.
Costumes nearly finished but I can't bring myself to go near the sewing machine again.

So exhausted. 

It's going to be so much fun.

Sunday, 16 June 2013

This week

This week I still miss my cats.  My Dana and my Charlie.  My cuddles.

This week showed me that even during a depression, I can force my brain to create.  It is forced, though and I can sense that it is very shallow. 

This week was a week of letting go - of control over a project, of some of the loss, of dreams of how I expected my new cats to behave.

This week had some moments so low that life seemed pointless and some moments that were simply relaxing and warm.

This week made me value my friends.

This week taught me that I can get affection from many different places, smaller doses, but maybe enough to get by.  And yes, I am talking about the cats and kittens at The Cat Corner.

This week brought many new sparkly things into play.

This week I learnt that letting go of control over my daughter's life, partly in order to teach her independence, doesn't work when she is not self motivated. 

This week I danced in sadness, danced to express anger and danced with joy.

This week... I'm still a mess, a grieving woman seeking to find a way to fill the emptiness, living on a rollercoaster where sometimes I can see that it will be okay and others I am sunk deep in the fear that I will never dance in the sunshine again.

This week, hubby and daughter gave me extra cuddles, extra attention and extra support.  Hubby even put on my favourite music when we went driving today.  Then made me cry by explaining how a particular song reminded him of Dana-cat.

"Little light... shining
Little light... guide them, to me.
My face is all lit up,
my face is all lit up"

This week was full of amazing people whom make the world a better place. 

This week.  Is nearly over. 
Next week is full of potential.  It's up to me to make it awesome.

Friday, 14 June 2013

Interpretive Dance.

My focus recently has been on Interpretive Dance with apparatus.

I so enjoyed writing that.  Interpretive Dance was the byword for being slightly bizarre, out there and also, just a little bit of freedom when I was in High School.  It was the fallback comment, "If you don't finish your essay, I'll expect you to give the class a demonstration of the topic through Interpretive Dance."  

After exploring how to express Strength and Grace with my hoops, I am now exploring how to be a cloud, fluffy and dancing in the wind, wild and tempestuous through a storm and rising to combine with the sun and create a rainbow.

Circus is like playtime everyday.

With feathers and sequins.

Or having a second childhood without the midlife crisis part.